The Secret Third Thing
Lessons I learned in 2023—Part two of three.
This is the second in a three-part series. Here's the first part, icymi.
"I realized... my life has just been this series of moments of making it halfway and never any further, trying to reach some finishing point, and just never getting there.
I could never get the grades I wanted in senior high, twice.1 I could never get into the university I wanted to despite giving up a year of my academic life for it. Never got the honors I wanted in college. Hit the ground tumbling and crashing when the pandemic hit and had my college graduation delayed by several months..."
When I decided I wanted to write this, a journal entry from July last year came front of mind. It continues on from there with more recent developments.
I was lamenting how things in my life just never went according to plan—not even once. As a meticulous, stubborn over-planner, it frustrated me immensely, repeatedly, several times before and since.
"The thought of opportunity used to excite me, even as recently as last year. I always had that naivety about me—I always saw it as an advantage. Now… not so much. The pain has been too much. All I see is the risk. The effort. The failure. Not even the lesson in the failure anymore, just the pain of it. The dark cloud and not the silver lining.2"
It's actually funny looking back because on the surface, it seems nothing has actually been resolved. I still feel like the situation I am in now is simply one I ended up in, and not one I planned for.3 I still feel scared of the pain of failure. It makes me ask myself—what's different now?
Sometime, I think last year, I started fixating on this motif—of riding turbulent waves, sailing open seas, etc.—and you probably noticed too. It's a cliche to describe life as such, but that's exactly what it is, what it feels like.
You get slammed every which way, the nauseating motion never stops, and every plan and ambition is at the behest of things outside your control. It cares not if you're "tired", or even "tired of being tired". You can only keep bracing for the worst.
It can seem that riding waves can bring nothing but pain and hardship, but it can also be a bit of a high at times, like riding a bike without training wheels for the first time. It isn't really control in the sense that you're deciding where the wave goes, but you can try and steer yourself, somewhat, maybe not towards where you wanted to go, but where you may want to end up.
And where you end up, in my experience, is always a new place entirely. It's not one of the two things you pictured in your head, that the thing you want will happen, or it won't—almost 100% of the time, it's been a secret third thing.
And of course it's a third thing. It's either the two things, or however much a handful of things (your Plans B to Z), you imagined, versus every other possibility imaginable, which are innumerable—of course life will give to you that secret third thing.
I could go into each of these in a lot of detail, but here are a few heuristics that help me deal with this truth:
First and foremost, I am religious. I was brought up Protestant and I remain steadfastly, more than ever, a believer in Christ. There are several reasons for this, but one reason is that it'd kill me to have to believe that the events of life are not pre-determined (or at least known) and are simply completely and utterly random and meaningless. Some people take solace in that—I am the complete opposite. I believe in the things that happen, my being here at this time, having an absolute purpose.4
"In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless but planning is indispensable." It's a quote from Dwight Eisenhower, which is all I know about the man apart from that he's American (I think), but I picked it up from reading Scott Galloway's newsletter a couple years ago. I think this quote singlehandedly keeps me from giving up on plans tbh. However difficult things get, it is better still to have your hands on the wheel than not at all.
“When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion—you fall to your highest level of preparation.” I don't remember exactly where this came from, might have been a video from Chris Do. Anyhow, I think this is why I continue to try as hard as I can to keep doing things and get better at them, as opposed to loafing around and waiting for lightning to strike. There is a balance to that, for sure5, but that's for a different post altogether.
If I were to boil it all down to one thing, one takeaway, one action, it'd be this—just show up.
Just choose to do a thing, and make that choice as often as you can, and have the thing build over time. And when you can't, put it on the shelf, but keep it in mind—rest a little and don't beat yourself up over not being able to do it, cause those times are inevitable.6
Things happening also have a time function apart from action—it, too, is an ingredient. Simple waiting has its value as well. Maybe that's the rest you need. Give time for things to sprout. I find that what emerges is the secret third thing. Come that time, lace those boots again.
I like to believe as the secret third thing comes about that it's life's way of saying, "This is a good thing. In fact, it is the best thing. This will be enough." And as I connect my dots in hindsight... He's usually right.
I had to take exams a second time while my colleagues had already moved on to university.
There's been a few such situations since July last year. Iykyk.
I realize writing this that relegating this to a simple heuristic feels silly but that's what it is, although it's not exclusively that, of course.
Somewhere there is the line between sinking and swimming—lazing on a white sand beach for the rest of my days sounds great, but I'd rather be prepared and indoors when the storms arrive.
If you’re anything like me, it is actually most of the time.